Some of the greatest written works of this age are early-2000s children’s picture books. 

They’re the ideal avenue for communicating important messages, given the books’ proclivity for including eccentric characters, wacky antics, and, of course, a healthy sprinkling of basic rhyme. But, perhaps most important, picture books take place in a land of endless possibilities.

Last year, when I was contemplating whether I should leave Boston College for greener (or windier) pastures, I spent a lot of time imagining a school that could fit the needs of a modern college student. I soon realized that my outlandish wants and needs were more suited for the pages of a child’s picture book, where fantasies can be realized in an instant through the imagination of a quirky kid thinking her best thoughts (with mad rhyming skills) in the backseat of a car. 

In an effort to put my thoughts on paper, I decided to take a literal page out of Chris Van Dusen’s book, “If I Built a Car,” in which the narrator lays out his plan for a totally radical (albeit completely fantastical) car. I now write for you a just-as-fanciful but much more relatable version of Chris Van Dusen’s tour de force to paint a picture of the school of my dreams. Now presenting: “If I Built a School.”

Tabitha, from the comfort of her dorm, said to her friend

This school is great, this school is quite grand

But it’s nothing quite like the school I have planned.

I’ve worked through the night to create a design

I’ve constantly analyzed, tweaked and refined

I’ve studied universities and looked at hallowed halls

Contemplated seminaries, academies and ivy-covered walls

To make it as prestigious and esteemed as those in “the league”

I’ve recreated NU but with added pizzazz and intrigue. 

So sit back, relax, and pull up a stool,

It’s time to reveal my spectacular school! 

Though Northwestern shines like a beacon of light, 

And a transfer girl couldn’t have asked for something more right, 

I think there are things we could do to make it more bright.

So, to make this school even better than ever,

Here’s a list of some things we can do to make NU more clever:

1. A conveyor belt from North to South 

Though I myself never mind 

The daily walk that is such a grind, 

I still think this campus could do 

with a little doohickey to carry us through: 

With this in mind, I would create 

A mode to take us from North to South,

Oh, how it would ease our daily route,

The miles we walk, the time we waste,

A conveyor belt would set our pace.

No more hurrying to catch my class,

No more stress, no need to gasp,

The belt would take us all on a ride,

Effortlessly side by side.

The snow and rain wouldn’t bother us,

On the belt, we’d travel without fuss,

Oh, how it would make our day,

If President Michael Schill would heed what we pray,

I’d build a conveyor belt and call it a day!

2. A weather-controlling dome 

A conveyor belt would be quite nice 

To carry us to class in spite of the ice

But wouldn’t it be much more clever

If we could alter the weather?

With this dome, Northwestern would deserve praise.

No more snow days, no more delays,

A dome to protect us from the storm,

Enclosing a space where learning can take form,

Oh, how it would make our days,

A dream come true in so many ways.

The dome would control the perilous weather,

Rain or shine, it wouldn’t matter,

The dome would shield us from the patter,

A perfect climate, through day and night,

With this invention, Northwestern would be a sight.

3. Scent machines 

With the creation of this dome, 

I’ll have fixed our weather, 

But what’s to be done of another aggressor —

The smell of the Lakefill in warm weather?

To fix this nose tormentor, I will add

The scent of freshly baked bread,

Or perhaps some cinnamon spread,

Imagine walking through the campus green,

Surrounded by beautiful, fragrant scenes.

A machine that pumps and smells divine,

Aromatic bliss, oh so fine,

No more stale smells, no more frowns,

Northwestern would be fragrant all around.

And that stinky smell behind Norris, oh my,

A problem that no longer would cause outcry,

For the machine would spread its magic,

And make the Lakefill smell fantastic.

With the smell of roses or maybe pine,

The possibilities would be sublime.

4. Ice cream in ALL the dining halls 

While we’re contemplating adding machines, 

I can think of one that must enter the Northwestern scene: 

An appliance that churns and also swirls,

No more waiting in line … outside,

Our dining halls would be a place to glide,

Vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry swirl,

And options aplenty –– oh what a twirl,

With sprinkles or nuts, or perhaps some fudge,

Our ice cream cravings, the machines would nudge.

In the heat of summer or the chill of fall,

Ice cream would be a treat to enthrall,

For ice cream lovers like you and me,

A machine that would make us smile,

A treat to go the extra mile,

Oh, how it would make our days,

Northwestern would earn even further praise!

5. Meal exchanges for Evanston restaurants

Alas’ there’s Evanston — a foodie’s delight —

where meals of all kinds come to light,

So just imagine if we had an exchange,

that would allow us to dine at our convenience within a range.

A meal exchange to satisfy,

With options wide, we won’t deny,

Our University will thrive,

With students happy and revived,

No need to worry ’bout the cost,

Our meals will never be lost,

With exchanges that work so well,

Northwestern students will excel.

Pause! Reader, be advised — here I step out of my Chris Van Dusen disguise for just a moment to say that in almost every way, Northwestern continues to make my day. There is very little I wish for on a daily basis here, and as someone known to struggle over decisions as small as selecting which shower stall to use I can honestly say that transferring to NU was the best decision I’ve ever made. No one loves Northwestern like transfers do. However, when all is said and done, there is one thing in which BC comes out as #1… 

6. Collective Effervescence

Northwestern is missing this one thing I know, 

And it’s not a conveyor belt that makes us go, 

Or a meal exchange to use at Colectivo, 

No, it’s something that bubbles in times of joy

When heartbeats, hands, and feet are in sync

Or when eyes lock and sweatshirted arms link.

It’s an effervescence that is collective and true

That keeps a community together almost like glue,

It’s when we’re all hearing the same beat at once

When our minds are all focused on all the same fronts …

Northwestern becomes better … despite our wacky weather. 

Tabi Parent is a Medill sophomore. She can be contacted at [email protected]. If you would like to respond publicly to this op-ed, send a Letter to the Editor to [email protected]. The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of all staff members of The Daily Northwestern.