Steam Press: Your future, as told by romance novels

Mackenzie Broderick, Columnist

Greetings, culture lovers.

Plot twist: The polar vortex has returned with a vengeance. If you had known we’d relive the Ice Age not once but twice, would you have chosen Northwestern over the University of Miami? Would you have even gotten out of bed today?

The future is indeed a mystery, but with the help of Monica McCarty and her modern masterpiece “Highland Outlaw,” the Steam Press will shed a little light on the subject. But instead of the alignment of the stars or tea leaves, we will predict your future by flipping to a random page — after all, when have romance novels ever lied?

Aries (March 21 – April 19): “What the hell had he been thinking? This was after just one day in the wild. At times he’d lived like this for weeks. How could he have ever thought to bring her into this sort of life?”

Right now, you are regretting some of your key life choices. Questioning your current path, you allow doubts to poison your mind as you wonder, what if? Expect these doubts to continue into next week.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): “Patrick could see Hamish’s point. There was a certain simplicity in the old ways, whether it be abducting a bride or claiming land by right of sword.”

You long for a simpler time in your life, a time when things were uncomplicated and key decisions were made for you. But don’t let nostalgia cloud your plans for the future.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): “She wanted to believe him, and perhaps deep down she did, but she couldn’t get the images out of her head.”

Deep misgivings about someone close to you fill your head and heart with anxiety. Go with what your gut tells you, and trust in your instincts.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): “It was impossible not to notice the impressive breadth of his shoulders and the powerful muscles of his arms as he worked.”

Your life has ground to a halt as it revolves around the object of your affection — or, more accurately, your obsession. Expect this obsession to only grow.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): “Lizzie thrashed wildly against him as they raced through the trees in the darkness, the horror of the day finally catching up with her.”

Matters will soon come to a head. Your stress keeps building and building, and soon you might explode like a Mentos dropped into a Coke bottle. Use this week to take a step back and breathe.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): “The realization took her aback. I still love him.”

Old feelings will resurface this week, making it difficult to concentrate. A war between your heart and your head will make it impossible to study for that Econ midterm.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): “He kissed her again, more insistently.”

It may be cold outside, but you’ve found a way to keep nice and toasty, if you know what I mean.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): “There was so much more he wanted to say, so much he wanted to explain, but he would never get the chance.”

An important relationship has ended, perhaps forever. Sometimes you just need to cut your losses and move on, even when it hurts.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): “Could it be that a woman had finally gotten under his steely skin?”

A minor annoyance has turned into a big problem. You’ve ignored it this long, but don’t think you’ll be able to sweep it under the rug this week.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): “Rather than barge in as he wanted to, Patrick waited — impatiently — for Lizzie to finish her visit.”

Remember that patience is a virtue. This week may seem to move at a snail’s pace, but it will end. Eventually.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): “The fire in his veins turned to ice.”

The cold weather has gotten you down. You curse the Frostbite shuttles and the cruel administration — the cold never bothered me anyway? Hah, what a joke.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): “Once again she’d confused sex with love.”

Ouch. You’re still smarting from a recent, painful betrayal. They say time is the best healer, but in this case, vengeance might be necessary.

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Twitter: @badbroderick