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The Steam Press: JaneAustenpalooza in text messages

Mackenzie Broderick, Columnist

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Greetings, culture lovers!

Now it feels as if our lives are overrun with technology, while the works of Jane Austen offer a return to a simpler time. But what if Austen had access to Twitter, Facebook and cellphones? We at the Steam Press, as part of JaneAustenpalooza, imagine this alternate universe and present you with “Pride and Prejudice in Texts.”

15/8/1813 9:23 a.m.

Mrs. Bennet

To: Mr. Bennet

OMG get on ur good neighbor skillz for Mr. Bingley! 5000 a year! $$$ for our poor gurls!!

25/8/1813 7:20 p.m.

F. Darcy

To: C. Bingley

So, I don’t *actually* have to go tonight, do I?

25/8/1813 11:35 p.m.

Lizzie B.

To: Jane B.

Apparently I’m not “handsome” enough to dance with. This blows

25/8/1813 11:46 p.m.

C. Bingley

To: F. Darcy

So many hot gurls why u no talk to anybody???

F. Darcy

Re: C. Bingley

Sod off.

31/8/1813 8:50 a.m.

Mrs. Bennet

To: Mr. Bennet

Make sure u give Jane a horse. It’s gonna rain!!!!!!!!!!!!!

31/8/1813 4:22 p.m.

Lizzie B.

To: Mum

@ Netherfield, Jane sick, I blame you

31/8/1813 4:52 p.m.

Caroline Bingley

To: Mrs. Hurst

Um am I the only one who noticed Eliza Bennet’s petticoats? Talk about gross

31/8/1813 5:02 p.m.

F. Darcy

To: C. Bingley

Will the B sisters be staying then? BTW Elizabeth Bennet looked real fine today, just saying.

07/9/1813 8:58 a.m.

Father

To: Lizzie B.

Glad you two are home. Oh, and our cousin is coming. You know, the clergyman?

03/10/1813 11:23 a.m.

Lizzie B.

To: Charlotte Lucas

Ugh! Mr. Collins needs to GTFO. He’s ridic — can’t cope —

Charlotte Lucas

Re:
Lizzie B

He can’t be that bad. Bring him to Lucas Lodge & have u seen the new officers?

03/10/1813 12:53 a.m.

Mr. Collins

To: Cousin Elizabeth

Lovely walk 2day…this is ur number, right? You never text me back…

03/10/1813 12:55 a.m.

C. Bingley

To: F. Darcy

U alright? Jane looked so amazing this morning! But srsly, you ok? Im inviting her and the family to the ball…Man you alright?

F. Darcy

Re: C. Bingley

Fine. Why is there even a militia here? There’s no war! No wonder Napoleon is pillaging Europe. Need 2 text my sister.

03/10/1813 1:16 p.m.

G. Wickham

To: Lizzie B.

Hey nice meeting u today. Here’s my number, you know what to do

Lizzie B

Re: G. Wickham

Hmm smooth. Hey, what was up with you and Darcy??

G. Wickham

Re: Lizzie B.

Well ah I don’t like 2 talk about it but he basically ruined my life NBD TTYL

12/10/1813 9:20 p.m.

Charlotte Lucas

To: Lizzie B.

OMG can’t believe Darcy just asked you 2 dance!

12/10/1813 12:03 p.m.

Caroline Bingley

To: F. Darcy

Jane B has got 2 go

13/10/1813 2:07 a.m.

[DRAFT]

F. Darcy

To: Elizabeth B.

I realize we may have argued tonight …

Perhaps our conversation got a bit heated …

I really am sorry if I gave u the impression that I didn’t like dancing with you …

Damn.

13/10/1813 3:13 p.m.

Mr. Collins

To: Cousin Elizabeth

Im sure once u think about my offer you’ll reconsider …

16/10/1813 7:55 a.m.

Lizzie B

To: Charlotte Lucas

Wait wait wait — you’re marrying WHO?!?!

16/10/1813 9:43 a.m.

Mrs. Bennet

To: Mr. Bennet

Those conniving Lucases! They’ll evict us from our home!! Oh, this is all Lizzie’s fault!

And now Bingley has left Jane & we’ll die in the poorhouse! Ugh FML

05/01/1814 8:17 a.m.

Lydia B.

To: Lizzie B.

Can’t believe Wickham threw u over 4 Ms. King she’s a freckled ho fugly bitch

20/04/1814 10:53 a.m.

F. Darcy

To: Col Fitz

So all set to visit Kent?

Col Fitz

Re: F. Darcy

LOL, ready for Battle-Axe de Bourgh?

22/04/1814 11:06 a.m.

Lady Catherine

To: W. Collins

Come to Rosings at once! You can meet my nephews.

25/04/1814 7:45 p.m.

F. Darcy

To: Elizabeth B.

Just wanted to say I really enjoyed talking with you 2day

Lizzie B

To: F. Darcy

You realize we don’t actually talk, we argue

25/04/1814 9:18 p.m.

Charlotte C.

To: Lizzie B.

Ummm??? Darcy is always staring @ you AND you 2 were def alone when I came home. What is up?

26/04/1814 2:07 p.m.

Col Fitz

To: Miss Elizabeth

Hey maybe it was a mistake — maybe Darcy wasn’t talking about Bingley and ur sister??? He’s not a bad guy…

26/04/1814 10:17 p.m.

F. Darcy

To: Ms. Bennet

Don’t be alarmed — I need to give you something. 2morrow at the park? Please?

Lizzie B.

Re: F. Darcy

I’m sure we have nothing left to say to each other, sir!

27/04/1814 1:20 p.m.

Jane B.

To: Lizzie B.

Wait what do u mean Mr. Darcy was in love with you!? Text me back!

05/05/1814 11:42 a.m.

Lizzie B.

To: G. Wickham

I know what you did last summer.

14/05/1814 11:34 a.m.

Lydia B.

To: Kitty B.

Having soooo much fun in Brighton! XOXO!!!

18/05/1814 7:14 p.m.

Lizzie B.

To: Jane B.

Men are dumb. I’m sick of the lot of ‘em. I think I’m going with Aunt & Uncle G to the Lakes

Jane B.

Re: Lizzie B.

<3 you! You’ll have fun — ur not still thinking of Mr. D???

Lizzie B

Re: Jane B

Totes no. So over that.

29/05/1814 10:28 a.m.

Aunt Gardiner

To: Lizzie B.

Isn’t the country nice? But change of plans. No lakes, just Derbyshire. We can stay @ Lambton and see the cool houses — like Pemberley!

30/05/1814 9:15 a.m.

Fitz Darcy

To: Georgiana D.

Got an early start, just gonna go for a quick swim! I’ll see you soon!

30/05/1814 3:58 p.m.

Lizzie B.

To: F. Darcy

OMG I can’t believe we creeped on your house, so sorry!

02/06/1814 5:09 a.m.

Jane B.

To: Lizzie B.

Can’t explain over txt! Plz hurry home ASAP!!

02/06/1814 7:27 p.m.

Lydia B.

To: Bennet Family

LOLZ guess who’s eloped, foolz!

12/06/1814 7:13 p.m.

Lizzie B.

To: Jane B.

I’m so mad that I told Darcy. We’re ruined!

Jane B.

Re: Lizzie B.

I’m sure Wickham will marry her

Mary B.

Re: Jane B., Lizzie B.

No we’re actually screwed. Start praying.

18/06/1814 10:45 a.m.

Mum

To: Lydia B.

I can’t believe ur married!! <3 <3 XOXO!! Come visit sweetie!

02/07/1814 5:25 p.m.

Lydia B.

To: Lizzie B.

So when I said Darcy was @ my wedding I def didn’t mean *that* Darcy …

23/08/1814 9:27 a.m.

C. Bingley

To: F. Darcy

Settled in Netherfield! It’s good 2 b back!! Call on Bennets 2nite? Or 2morrow?

01/09/1814 11:32 a.m.

Jane B.

To: Lizzie B.

Phew first meeting with Bingley wasn’t that awk :) It’s nice 2 see him

05/09/1814 10:12 a.m.

Mum

To: Lizzie B.

Get upstairs NOW!! Leave Jane & Bingley alone!!

05/09/1814 5:25 p.m.

F. Darcy

To: C. Bingley

Congrats! But before I leave 4 London I have to tell you something …

10/09/1814 3:18 p.m.

Mr. Bennet

To: Lizzie B.

Haha, can’t get over how Collins thought you & Darcy were engaged! Priceless! And Charlotte with child, poor girl.

Lizzie B.

Re: Father

It’s not funny.

12/09/1814 8:11 a.m.

Lady Catherine

To: Lizzie B

I have never met such rudeness!! Don’t think I’ll ever forget it!! You’ll never have Darcy!!

[LADY CATHERINE DE BOURGH HAS BEEN BLOCKED]

14/09/1814 11:42 a.m.

Lizzie B.

To: F. Darcy

We need to talk …

 14/09/1814 9:28 p.m.

Father

To: Lizzie B.

Mr. Darcy just asked to marry you — care to explain?!

14/09/1814 3:02 a.m.

Jane B.

To: Lizzie B.

Wait you love Darcy! Oh Lizzie I’m so happy! Double wedding!!

15/09/1814 6:28 p.m.

Mrs. Bennet

To: Mr. Bennet

10,000 a year!! I always liked him you know!! Our own Lizzie!!! 3 daughters married!!

26/12/1814 8:00 a.m.

Darcy

To: Lizzie

Good morning, Mrs. Darcy.

And they all lived happily ever after, naturally.

Email: mackenziebroderick2017@u.northwestern.edu
Twitter: @badbroderick

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