Getting rejected when you ask someone out sucks, especially if they do it incorrectly. I have felt the harsh sting of realizing someone does not feel the same way about me, and boy, does it hurt. That is why whenever I have to turn someone down, I try to do it in the kindest way possible.

Case in point: when my co-worker asked me out. He was a new employee at the time, so we had only known each other for about two weeks before he proposed an inter-office (sans office) relationship. We had talked a little, mainly in the case of me trying to help him learn his job, so I was caught off-guard when he asked me out after work one day. I was completely uninterested in dating him, but unsure of how he would handle a “no.” So, I proceeded with caution.

I began by telling him I recognized how much courage it took for him to share how he felt and that I had respect for him because of it. I then explained I was not interested in a relationship with him, clearly saying “no.” I explained my reasons, and fortunately he was understanding; we still occasionally talk.

Honesty is the most important thing when turning someone down. If there is no possibility of you ever saying yes, do not lead them to believe there is. Promises of “maybe another time” just provide hope they should not have. Likewise, do not lie about why you are saying no. They had the courage to ask you out, you should at least have the courage to tactfully explain your answer. It is okay to say you do not have feelings for them, but avoid insults or smugness.

Never think you are obligated to say yes. I don’t care if they bought you roses and asked you out on the big screen at a Northwestern football game. If you want to say no, say no.

Be mindful of the situation. Do not be unnecessarily rude or cruel in your response. However, if they persist or react poorly, you should become more insistent. Be firm in your answer, and if they continue to press the issue, just walk away. Some people think of a no as playing hard-to-get or a sign they just need to convince you of how awesome they are.

This brings me to the other side of the issue: how to react to being rejected. If someone turns you down, be graceful about it. Accept the answer without arguing. There is not much to gain from a date you had to talk them into. They should acknowledge your feelings, but you have to respect theirs.