Its weird: Northwestern students aren’t used to losing. Since I stepped on campus, NU’s football team was 22-9 entering last Saturday’s game against Purdue. They’d never lost to Purdue, and our basketball team had beaten Purdue’s in two of three games – even though the Boilermakers were ranked for all three games, and NU wasn’t. I associated NUvs. Purdue matchups – in either sport – with victory and was surprised when they didn’t get one.

The upshot of this is we’re not very good at handling losses. The mile-long train of people on Central Street getting violently angry at fireworks on Saturday night is evidence of that fact. For example, I had planned to go out Saturday night, but instead, I spent the evening hysterically crying and punching inanimate objects like walls, street signs and Purdue fans. (Remember, folks: every time you try to fight a wall, you lose. But if you try to fight a Purdue fan, go for the chin, because have you ever seen their mascot? That thing is huge.)

There’s nothing worse than people who handle losses badly – you know, the type that blame a clear loss on a correct call by a ref, leave death threats on message boards or throw their Playstation 2 controller across the room when they lose a game of NBA Street Vol. 2 and quickly shut off the machine before it saves so the next time you play it still says you’re 38-0. So I’ve decided this fanbase needs a primer in how to lose well.

When you lose, you lose: No amount of whining will convince a fan of a team that beat your team that they deserved to lose. (See: Iowa fans, 2008-09). They don’t care if some key player got injured or if some freak play is the only reason your team lost. (See: Northwestern fans after beating Iowa, 2008-09.) Be graceful.

Cut the “State School” thing: Normally, I like stereotypes and making fun of people. But the “state school” chant is everything everybody else doesn’t like about NU fans: cheering about how much worse other people’s schools are when you’re losing a football reinforces the stereotype that we’re all elitist jerks who can’t be bothered to think about sports unless it’s our weekend polo match down at the country club. I hate this stereotype because I schedule all my polo matches at my polo club, which shouldn’t be confused with my country club, which is where I play golf, squash and where me and the gang hold our poor-people-mocking competitions every Wednesday night. Also, because I like sports and when my team loses, I’m too busy being mad to think about the U.S. News and World Report.

Don’t give opposing fans the satisfaction of seeing how mad you are: Have you heard of schadenfreude? It’s what I feel whenever Ohio State or Notre Dame loses and I get to read things written by their media and fans about how horrible their team/coach/players/lives are. Opposing fans’ tears of infinite sadness are the key ingredient in the salty bouillabaisse of enjoying victory. It’s not to string together dozens of insults about the sexual promiscuity of your adversary’s mother. Trust me, I know. My IM basketball team went 1-3 last year. But as relieving as minute-long streaks of unhinged obscenities are, they help your opponent more than they hurt.

So that’s how to lose. It’ll come in handy when NU loses a game again, which by my calculations, will be in Week 8 of the 2014 season.

Deputy sports editor Rodger Sherman is a Medill junior. He can be reached at [email protected].