Let’s talk about this new immigration law in Arizona. Now, there’s been a lot of heated words thrown around about it, one side claiming that it’s “necessary” and “common sense”, the other how it is “insane” and “draconian.” But this whole debate is all window dressing to distract you from the only two words you need to hear: “Apachean conspiracy.”

Because by the way this law reads, that’s the only thing it could possibly be.

It clearly states that Arizona police now have the right to demand identification from anybody who they suspect of being an illegal immigrant in order prove that these people are, in fact, citizens. No warrant, no probable cause, no nothing. And if you can’t prove your citizenship, you go to jail. Forget your driver’s license? Tough luck.

Now, bear with me here: Every single person except for Native Americans is now a suspect.

What is reasonable suspicion of being an illegal immigrant? Virtually anyone could be an immigrant in this country. It doesn’t matter if you’re White, Latino, Black, Asian, Arab, Pacific Islander or anything else I’ve forgotten: Your genetic code hopped a border to get into this country. How could you tell who’s illegal and who isn’t? The citizenship test? Many Americans would fail that.

I’ve even started to wonder whether if I walked around in Arizona, I’d get asked to show my I.D. When I’ve been abroad, “American” is never people’s first guess of where I’m from. For some reason, they think I’m either Russian or Australian.

Which leads me back to the Apachean people of the Southwest. Somehow, the media’s forgotten all about them. They are the only people who stand to gain from this law, because they’re the only people whose non-immigrant status can’t be challenged. Why are they doing this? I can’t say. The only thing that they get is the satisfaction of knowing they’re now the only ones with 4th Amendment rights in Arizona.

Are they just bitter at us? What for?

This is the only way this law makes sense. Nobody else in Arizona benefits and many people stand to lose. Already, many organizations are announcing boycotts of using Arizona for any events while the law is on the books. Companies aren’t going to want to move to a state where a significant portion of their workforce can be rounded up at a moment’s notice. I refuse to believe that the people who voted for the law thought it would be in their self-interest, so we can only assume some Apache operative has a picture of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer killing a hobo or something.

Damn Apaches. Why won’t they let us immigrants be?