Northwestern University and Evanston's Only Daily News Source Since 1881

The Daily Northwestern

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Northwestern University and Evanston's Only Daily News Source Since 1881

The Daily Northwestern

Northwestern University and Evanston's Only Daily News Source Since 1881

The Daily Northwestern

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Helppie-Schmieder: Analogies for the case against gay marriage

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On a sober Tuesday night, I started drinking with my friend, Emmaline. We got to talking about the College Democrats bringing former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich to campus. I told her despite his corruption, I was still sexually attracted to him. I asked her if she agreed, when she admitted she had a crush on me. I was really confused because I didn’t think Hispanic lesbians even existed. But her advancements made it obvious they did. Naturally, I fled.

Speaking of lesbians, the gays are in the news again. And I don’t like it.

Look, I’m not homophobic. I have tons of gay friends (like Emmaline, apparently), I just don’t think gays should be afforded equal rights.

Not in this day and age anyway.

Before you send the theater majors after me, hear me out.

Evolutionarily the point of we humans as a species is to have children. We’re supposed to increase the population. Gays can’t naturally do that. I’m not saying because they can’t, they shouldn’t be allowed to marry.

But how about a compromise? If a gay couple wants hospital visitation rights, they have to adopt a child (from America). And if gays want to get married, they have to save one straight couple from divorcing, in order to keep the ratio intact.

It’s a win-win.

Look, I was as shocked as anyone when California voters said no to gay marriage back in 2008, and Iowa said OK last April. It didn’t seem to make any sense. Then Maine said no last November and I didn’t know if that made sense because I don’t know much about Maine (except it has lobsters, am I right?).

Then on Wednesday Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler declared, “State agencies in Maryland will recognize out-of-state marriages.”

All this discrepancy between states confuses an issue that needs to be federalized.

Let me explain with an analogy. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned as a social science major, it’s you can compare anything to anything and draw acceptable conclusions if your paper is long enough.

Let’s consider prohibition: In the early 1900s, a number of states started enacting their own prohibition laws. Then 1920 rolled around, and the 18th Amendment became effective, making alcohol illegal federally. In the same way, right now, a number of states are making gay marriage illegal. So it’s only a matter of time before we pass a federal amendment illegalizing homosexual marriage. See where I’m going with this?

There’s an old saying: Do as the Australians do. And the Australian Senate voted down a gay marriage bill Thursday, keeping the institution of marriage sacred.

Now I’m not dumb. I know the majority of Americans are pro-gay marriage. Here on campus the number of students who want marriage equality is sickeningly overwhelming. Fortunately for us in the minority, all these people do is hope and wish and assume one day gay marriage will be legal. But they don’t tend to do much about it.

Not in this day and age anyway.

Weinberg junior Brenna Helppie-Schmieder can be reached at [email protected].

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Helppie-Schmieder: Analogies for the case against gay marriage