On a drunken Sunday in the midst of cleaning the kitchen, I got to thinking, “Is there an NFL for women?” I realized I didn’t know the answer-but then again, who cares? If I want to watch burly women in tight clothes fight, I’ll just go to the DVD clearance bin at Wal-Mart on Black Friday (and I did… and I disliked it).
Sure, the lack of a WNFL is sexist. But I think we can all agree this is a good thing.
You people think sexism is bad for the same reason you think racism is bad: It classifies people. But where would we be without social stratification? We wouldn’t be anywhere because even cavemen had hierarchies based on gender (and race). I don’t know this for a fact, but I did watch Encino Man when I was a kid.
There are two types of women: homemakers and whores. Sometimes there’s ambiguity, in which case they automatically fall under the category of “whore.” This has been proven by scientific research done at Northwestern. I know some of you homemakers may disagree, but you’re just whores in denial. Trust me, been there.
Rush Limbaugh has been scrutinized for popularizing the term “feminazi,” used to describe overzealous females hell-bent on eradicating the male race. (Sounds like the same thing a famous Austrian wanted to do to a certain race. And yes, I’m talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Gays.) But think about it: Rush is right.
Yeah. Think about it.
Also, think about the Bible. Deuteronomy 22:28-29 says, “If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father.” Outrageous. Why should he have to pay? He’s simply claiming his property. If anything the young woman should be happy for the newfound stability and support in her life that only a man can give.
Speaking of the Bible, let’s talk about Jews.
On second thought, let’s not.
The other day, I was walking through the library when I saw a congregation of women studying. I was appalled and very angry-angry enough to do something drastic, like yell obscenities and stomp my foot. But I didn’t. I knew my place as a woman. I kept quiet, only shaking my head at the consequences they would later face in life (and in the afterlife).
Yelling obscenities would have done nothing but created chaos in the quiet library-other females would have had trouble looking up recipes and quilt patterns. Also, depending upon the structural integrity of the library, my foot stomping may have put a hole in the floor, and some man would have had to fix my mistake.
I take back what I said about homemakers. Women don’t make homes; men do. And since God was a man, this is good.
Think about it.
Okay, look. Why do you think there is once again only one female columnist this quarter?
Females don’t write as good, and this weekly column will prove it.
Weinberg junior Brenna Helppie-Schmieder can be reached at [email protected].
