Webner: Dressing up our decade

Richard Webner

It’s a routine we’ve been familiar with since the days of awkward middle school dances. When we go to a ’50s party, we slick back our hair and wear a leather jacket over a white undershirt and blue jeans. At a ’60s party we dress like long-haired, flowery hippies, and at a ’70s party like a bell-bottomed disco dancer. We imitate Michael Jackson or Madonna for the ’80s party, and Kurt Cobain for the ’90s party.

Now that this decade is almost over, what characters could we imitate in the 2000s-themed parties to come? Some ideas come to mind.

The rapper/producer – Wear tight, colorful clothing, bizarre sunglasses (even inside) and shoes that you and a famous designer collaborated on (mention this to everyone you speak to). Walk with a swagger and have five or six members of your entourage with you at all times. Brag about all the “featuring” credits you earned on hit singles last month, or how you’re incorporating punk influences into your next album because you’ve “outgrown” hip-hop. Become physically violent at even the slightest perceived insult. Give yourself arrogant titles like “the cultural vanguard.”

The YouTube sensation – Wear your normal clothes. Complain about your unsuccessful efforts to get anything except humiliating fame from your video, which has been viewed millions of times.

The pundit – Wear a suit and a shirt tight enough around your neck to make your jowls jiggle while you argue. Speak self-assuredly, with a smirk and an ominous tone that suggests society is on the brink of collapse. Don’t be afraid to yell when faced with an opposing opinion in the flesh. Distort what others have said and take things out of context at every opportunity. Be sure to market your books, radio show, Web site and Twitter account.

The blogger – Wear tight jeans, thick glasses, and a hoodie. Carry a Macbook and a Starbucks latte wherever you go. Have plenty of examples of the mainstream media’s corruption and be ready to provide them to anyone at a moment’s notice. Add tags like “alternative energy,” “Guantanamo Bay” and “Hillary Clinton” to everything you say. Again, speak self-assuredly, with a smirk and an ominous tone that suggests society is on the brink of collapse.

The talentless celebrity – Wear scandalously revealing outfits, but act like they’re elegant. Experiment with poses in front of a mirror until you find your best one, and recreate it whenever your picture is taken, which you’ll make sure is often. Get yourself as much attention as possible, even if it means having promiscuous sex on tape or getting arrested. Tell everyone about your aspirations as an actor, and describe the embarrassing reality shows and low-budget horror films you’ve been in as personal achievements. If you’re willing to go the extra mile, wear no underwear.

The disappointed fan – Wear your normal clothes and gripe about how much you hated the recent addition to the “Star Wars,” “Star Trek,” “Spider-man,” “Hulk,” “Terminator,” “Matrix,” “Transformers,” “Batman,” “Iron Man,” “Indiana Jones,” “James Bond,” “Harry Potter,” “X-Men,” “Superman,” “Narnia,” “Lord of the Rings” or “Willy Wonka” franchise.

Weinberg senior Richard Webner can be reached at [email protected]