Dear Morton O. Schapiro, Future President of Northwestern University:

Hello, good sir! How are you? It sure was nice having you in Evanston last month. How’s Mimi? And the kids? My, they grow up fast, don’t they?

Anyway, enough with the formalities, I’m just going to get right to the point: I would like you to appoint Demetri Martin the patron saint of Northwestern University.

Wait wait wait, let me explain. You see, I wanted to be a patron saint ever since I was 8. Up until that point, I’d hoped to be either an assistant professor of women’s studies at Oberlin College or a firefighter. But everything changed when I saw the groundbreaking motion picture Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie, and I realized I did not have what it took to protect the good men and women of the world from the evil forces that surround them.

I spent the next 10 years of my life searching for the man or woman who could, as Wikipedia puts it, has traditionally been the “advocate in heaven of a nation, place, craft, activity, class or person.” And when I saw YouTube footage of “If I…,” the show that won Demetri Martin the Perrier Comedy Award at the 2003 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, I knew I’d found him: Demetri Martin (Person) was to be a patron saint.

Now according to my exhaustive research, there is a complete void of patron saints at American universities. Here in the United States, our patron saint is the Immaculate Conception of Mary. What, so we only get one patron for the whole country? In Europe, everything has a patron saint, even the community colleges. We put God in our Pledge of Allegiance and on our dollar bill – I’m pretty sure that merits a couple of bonus saints for our schools.

And I know what you’re thinking: “But Ben, didn’t Pope Leo XIII technically name Thomas Aquinas the patron saint of all schools and students?” Well, yes, but that was decades ago. There are plenty of European universities with their own patron saints, so why not ours? Why not Demetri Martin?

OK, so I realize there are some shortcomings in my plan. First off a patron saint, by definition, must be dead. But that takes all the fun out of being a patron saint. Why would you bother giving someone such a sweet title if he wouldn’t even get to enjoy it? It’s completely ridiculous, right? Plus, Demetri Martin is a comedic gift to the people of the world – would it not be a sin to deprive us of his presence?

Second, Demetri Martin hasn’t necessarily done anything “saintly.” But I definitely think he’s shown some potential. I mean, have you seen “Important Things?” Its brilliance is encapsulated in a convenient, yet digestible half-hour portion.

Lastly, Demetri Martin did not exactly, you know, attend NU. But he is performing here later this week, and I’m sure he’ll take a liking to the place.

So as you can clearly see, Mr. Future President, a fine community such as NU’s deserves a patron saint – a patron saint like Demetri Martin. Person.

Medill senior Ben Larrison can be reached at [email protected].