Larrison: Check out my Web log!

Ben Larrison

So I woke up yesterday, and I was feeling pretty sluggish after another wild night of drinking and partying and crazy sex and stuff. I was jonesin’ for some fast food breakfast, so I put on my pants, stumbled out of my apartment/tree house and headed to McDonald’s for a quick pick-me-up before class.

“Hey, can I get a coffee and an egg and bagel sandwich, please?” I said.

“You want cheese on that bagel?” she said.

“No thanks, just egg and bagel,” I said.

“Alright, well what kind of egg do you want: round, square, or scrambled?”

I couldn’t believe it. Did that just happen?

“Did that just happen?” I asked.

“Yes, sir, yes it did. Now what kind of egg do you want?” she said.

It had just happened! McDonald’s, unbeknownst to the general public, had created two new ways of having your eggs cooked. And even better than that, they were shapes! I just had to blog about it.

Blog? Why, whatever do you mean?

Oh, simple italics user, “blog” is derived from the two-syllable Latin phrase “Web log,” which was then abbreviated because the Internet has no time to mess around. A blog is a place where any old Sally or Sam can go and write authoritatively about everything from politics to pineapples without being confined by trivial things like “objectivity” or “fact-checking.”

Best of all, you often have no idea who is actually writing what you’re reading. It’s like the glory hole of journalism.

My blog is called “Dr. and Mrs. Coffee’s Super Fun Time Extravaganza,” a highbrow chronicling of my day-to-day life. It is wildly successful, getting almost 40 hits a day from what I can only imagine are famous celebrities like Tina Turner, Warren Buffet and the Jonas Brothers.

I was just about to write about my cuh-ray-zy McDonald’s experience when I got a phone call – from Arianna Huffington!

“Benjamin,” she said, “isn’t blogging empowering? It gives everyday people the chance to share their opinion with the entire world!”

“I couldn’t agree more, Arianna Huffington. I especially love the utter lack of oversight in the process. I mean, how great is it that a person can pass himself off as an authority on something he knows nothing about?”

“What, like you writing a newspaper column on blogging?” Arianna Huffington said.

“Well, not exactly. As a newspaper columnist, I have editors and fact checkers who need to give my story the go-ahead before it is published. But bloggers can say whatever they want without any repercussions whatsoever! Not the folks at the HuffPo, of course, but real bloggers – like the guys who say Barack Obama is a secret Muslim.”

“Benjamin,” she said, “I am not sure that is the best way of viewing the blogosphere. Should we not encourage people to be responsible with their words, and to distinguish between news and opinion?”

“Oh Arianna Huffington, you crazy Greek!”

I then hung up on her before she could respond. Because like all good bloggers, I don’t feel I should be held accountable for the accuracy of my statements.

Ain’t the Internet swell?