When I turned 18, I made a big stink about finally being able to buy cigarettes. Not that I smoked, but all I talked about in the month before the big 1-8 was how super cool it would be that now I could get them. Why did I make such a fuss over this? To secretly hide how mother-effing excited I was to go to sex stores!

My New York hometown rests between two franchises of Romantic Depot, a sex shop that touts a friendly staff and marble floors, but is the place your “I ALWAYS thought he was creepy!” 4th grade math teacher hangs out after hours. It’s got some great finds, such as the Osaki – no, not a city we A-bombed, but a huge purple vibrator with multiple functions – but I had to see the competition here in Illinois. Here, some standouts from Lover’s Lane (654 Golf Rd.).

Vibrating Clit Super Suck-Her: Although it may sound like the water guns we played with as children, this complex machine is created to provide a lady with the sensations of oral sex, but without the stupid man who gets tired and then expects something in return. Men, you are slowly becoming obsolete. Work on it.

Passionate Purple Pussy Pump: Same as above but involves “vaginal suction cups.” AHH! All I could think of was projects we did in preschool with watercolors on a plastic design, then suctioned it to the window so the sun shines through it. But…vagina’d.

Kobe Tai’s Ultra-Realistic Pussy and Ass: For nearly $250 men can stick it in the replicated sun-don’t-shine parts of this adult film sensation. Boasts a “perfectly lifelike inner structure.” Grimace! Does it queef?

Tushy Twister: Designed to pleasure the anus and probably prepare scaredy-cats for anal play. Essentially, it is a blue sparkly swizzle stick. I’ll never look at a Shirley Temple the same way again.

Clone-a-Pussy: A fun kit for a rainy day. Comes with enough materials to create not one, but TWO chocolate vagina replicas. Thanks, Santa!!!

China Shrink Cream: Graced with a lovely naked Asian lady on the box for emphasis, this cream claims to shrink your vagina for up to 24 hours so your man can get that “virgin” experience.

XXX Chrome-Front Thong (male): These make me want to bury myself alive. This one has “XXX” in bling on top of the unthinkably large wang-holder – just in case you needed a reminder as to why he’s carrying his best friend around in a polyester pouch.

And as to be expected, there are tons of gag items. They’ve got your basic 4-foot long inflatable penis, penis-shaped toothbrushes and letter openers, penis cocktail stirrers and of course, penis gummies!

Sex stores are fun, but not for the feint of heart. If you’re worried about the employees judging you, they probably are. Just walk in like you own the place and walk out a changed, enlightened person.4

Medill junior Allie Markowitz is a PLAY sex columnist. She can be reached at [email protected].