Bed Blunders

Allie Markowitz

I struggled a bit with today’s column. See, I’m currently doing my Medill Teaching Media internship at Chicago Parent, and after a long day of writing about the wonders of places where people dress-up in 19th century clothing and milk cows to teach kids about the past – chuckle – it’s a challenge to shift right into peen and giney talk.

Today’s “Best of the Worst” sexual moments discussion is based on stories I’ve heard ever since my girlfriends and I started exploring the human body back in the day. Note: Please do not think these are all about me. I actually have friends, I swear.

The Queef: “Amy” made a funny noise during sex. “Kevin” thought he had popped her intestines. Not to get political, but this is why we need more funding for sex education.

Oops, I Slipped: “Veronica” and the guy she was “together” with (oh, high school ambiguity) were making sweet love in the front seat of his Grand Marquis when oops! Penis bum-rushes (hee hee) the wrong hole. She couldn’t sit down the next day.

Eyes on the Prize: “Michelle” was getting pretty feisty in bed. I’m talking down on her back, hips thrusting, elbows pumping – right into her boyfriend’s eye. They thought his eyeball fell out. Plop.

Pooooof: “Jen” tried to be sexy and performed a naked dance for her boyfriend. As she slid slowly, ever so sensually into a split, you guessed it – fart city. They both tried to pretend it didn’t happen, but needless to say, the mood died down quickly.

What the – : “Alicia” invited “Mike” over. She leaned in to kiss him – minty fresh, of course – and he pulled back, saying he wasn’t horny enough. Apparently, his idea of getting horny was rubbing his penis on her upper arm. Oh dear.

Oh Shit: “I’m sick of making up names” and her boyfriend were happily doin’ it when she felt concerned. No, not about the condom breaking. She thought she pooped. He continued pumping away while she began mentally freaking out. What to do? The mental anguish caused her to begin to sweat. Her boyfriend thought she was just enjoying the ride and kept going. When he finally finished – come on, like she could orgasm with that burden on her mind – she waited until just the right time when he wasn’t looking to slide out of bed and get some pants on. In the end, no pooping had occurred, but she’s still incredibly wary of having sex after a big meal.

The moral of these terrible, cringe-inducing stories is that sex isn’t some pristine, flawless act. Chances are that some time in your sexual career you’ll make funny sounds and odd smells and maybe even lose an appendage or two. Just laugh it off. You may be a farty queefy lady or a guy who has no aim, but at least you have a sense of humor.4

Medill junior Allie Markowitz is a PLAY sex columnist. She can be reached at [email protected]