By Colin Utley

This is for everyone who is sick of lectures, crosswords and Sudoku. It’s called Fantasy Classroom. I’ve played it these past two quarters and can safely say it works. So from the cloth tablature itself (a Giordano’s napkin) and published in print for the first time, here are the rules to Fantasy Classroom.

Players:

Ideally, FC is played with two members of the same sex, each of whom are in the same class, along with an arbitrator. The arbitrator is not necessarily of the same sex.

The class should be a mixture of lecture and discussion; for example, American Cultural History is an ideal class.

Team make-up:

You draft one person for every 10 in the class. Round to the nearest 10. You also draft one Greek and one attractive member of the opposite sex. For example, if there are 37 students in class, you draft four players, plus your Greek and hottie.

You are allowed to draft your Greek or hottie as one of your regular team players if you so choose. You cannot draft yourself. If the class is 50 minutes long, you must draft after the first class.

If the class is 80 minutes long, you can draft during a break or after the first class. If the class is 120 minutes or more, you MUST draft during the break.

Point system:

The object – simply put – is to outscore your opponent over the course of the quarter. You score points only during class time or discussion section. Office hours are void. Each characteristic or action is worth only one point unless otherwise indicated. You score if:

– Your Greek wears his or her letters to class (shoes and bags included). Extra point if someone else in the room is wearing the exact same article of clothing.

– Your opposite sex hottie looks better than your opponent’s hottie on that day. If consensus

cannot be reached, the arbitrator will decide. If it is mutually determined between the players

that there is only one hottie in class, forego this player for the quarter.

The rest of the rules pertain to your regular players. Unless your Greek or hottie has been drafted as a member of your regular team, they can only score points for letters and supreme attractiveness. You score if your player:

– Comments about things they did in other countries.

– Pantomimes quotation marks during a comment.

– Makes a pop culture reference.

– Breaks silence in discussion section.

– Tells a personal story. Extra point if the professor has difficulty connecting it to discussion or cannot fluidly transition out of the story.

– Accuses the media and/or campus of being liberally biased.

– Makes any comment/question that extends the class period.

– Uses a statistic in a comment.

– Looks up information on Wikipedia or Google to use in discussion.

– Asks a stupid question or gives a stupid answer (arbitrator may be necessary).

– Says “I took a class about …”

– Attempts to explain “irony,” “postmodernism” or anything by Ayn Rand.

– Gives a needless summary of other people’s comments.

– Uses a word you have only seen on the SAT Verbal section or any word longer than seven letters.

– Wears clothing from an Ivy League university.

– Comments and the professor immediately dismisses, interrupts or just lets the comment linger in silence.

– Does a crossword. Extra point if they finish it.

– Falls asleep in class.

– Their cell phone rings. Extra point if their ring can be considered a “guilty pleasure”.

– Attempts a deliberate joke.

One caveat: if one of your players says, verbatim and without qualifiers, “I was wrong,” you automatically win the quarter.

Feel free to join the “I Play Fantasy Classroom” group on Facebook, where you can suggest new rules and nominate people who have carried your team to fantasy glory for the “Fantasy Classroom Hall of Fame.” Have fun. And don’t forget to take notes.

Weinberg senior Colin Utley can be reached at [email protected].