Baby Got Back

Allie Markowitz and Allie Markowitz

By Allie MarkowitzPLAY Columnist

Happy Sexual New Year, Northwestern! I’m back in action for another quarter, ready to entertain, educate and do whatever else I do – all with a much more appropriate here’s-my-sex-in-your-face picture. Now without further ado, the topic you’ve all been waiting for.

Butt sex: A do, or a don’t?

The first time I ever gave considerable thought to the matter was my 16th summer, when I was working as a summer camp counselor for toddlers. No, I am not a pedophile – I just happened to work with a sexually experienced ghetto-wannabe male counselor who loved to speak of his sexual endeavors.

“Yeah, I do it. Everyone should do it. But ch’yo gonna get some feces,” he said confidently. Eee! Not in front of the kids!

Since then, the wheels in my twisted head have been turning. I had first been personally against engaging in anal because of the presumed pain factor. All the best to the couples who can handle it, but not Allie. And once the feces aspect came along, well, I was out of the running for good. Unless, I decided, I was married for 20 years to a very understanding man with a strong stomach, and our sex life was getting boring. But only then.

As I’ve grown wiser, my opinions are a little shakier. I have a nice butt. Sure you can’t tell from my fabulously sultry column picture, but trust me, it’s a keeper. Why not show it some love once in a while? Although most guys who want to appear sensitive and caring will deny their fiery urge to stick it in the other place where the sun don’t shine, I’d say that at least 90 percent of all heterosexual men fantasize about finally meeting that girl who will let them.

And maybe that girl is easier to find than I think. Many women try it at least once, especially once out of their teenage years. A Kinsey Institute survey found that 24 percent of college women had tried anal sex. None of my friends will own up to it, except Accidental Butt Sex girl, who will of course remain anonymous even though it was an accident. Sometimes things just…slip.

If you’re going to venture up into the dark abyss, here’s some advice: Use lube, as that tunnel does not lubricate naturally, and use a condom to prevent disease transmission. I shouldn’t have to remind students at a prestigious university that things that linger in that area are full of bacteria.

So I’m not rushing to become a part of the anal-happy statistics, but if you do it or you’re thinking about it, hopefully I gave you some valuable information. As an ass virgin, I guess all the advice I can offer on the subject is a) know your limits, b) never let your partner do something that makes you uncomfortable, c) use lube and d) prepare yourself for the dreaded F word – sadly, not fuck – feces. I think the most disturbing part of this column was that I had to burst the bubble of some men who are still under the impression that girls don’t poop.

Medill junior Allie Markowitz is a PLAY sex columnist. She can be reached at [email protected]