Sexy’s Back

Allie Markowitz

By Allie MarkowitzPLAY Columnist

Sexy officially left Nov. 17, 2004 (I wrote about it in my LiveJournal – please still be my friend?). That was the day that I was sitting in Norris with the price tag of my sweater sticking out of the back of my neck, spilling chili all over the table/myself/life, and getting salad dressing in my hair. I’m serious. Sexy=GONE. Yet just moments later a portly fellow came up to me and told me that he’d love to take me out for coffee. I gave him a look that seriously doubted his sanity and was so flustered by the whole lunch experience (salad dressing IN HAIR) that I sort of mumbled a negative response and he walked away.

Moral of the story? If you want to fuck yourself, people will want to fuck you.

That’s quite the jump there, you must be thinking. Who wants to fuck themselves? I understand your concerns. Just stay with me. Alas, I was a goofball with chili on my sweater that the whole world of Norris now knew was like $29.95 and I had no confidence in my dateability. I probably shouldn’t have -chances are this guy just had low standards and wanted to take me out to see how much I’d spill on myself in another locale – but we must have confidence!

The way I see it, confidence is what separates the men from the boys, or in my case, the awkward messes from those who can laugh it off and still think they’re fly. Confidence, my friends, is what will get you laid. If I had made a joke out of myself to the Norris guy, perhaps we could have started up a conversation, made a great memory and had portly babies together. But I was so embarrassed and concerned by his intentions that I forgot the most important thing- this guy saw something in me he liked. Maybe it was my helpless demeanor or my bodacious rack.

Let’s move on to real-life applications. At a steamy basement party, no one wants the girl in the corner nursing her beer and looking miserable. But the pimply guy cracking jokes in a group and making eyes at the buxom lady to his left – because he’s not afraid of the consequences – may not go home alone tonight. If you fuck yourself, people will want to fuck you!

You gotsta have game. You have to look in the mirror and know that you’re fuckable. I think I speak for every woman when I say that the confident man who sees himself as valuable looks like a more promising candidate for mind-blowing sex than the wallflower guy with slumped shoulders and nervous eyes a’darting to and fro.

In sum, the only thing that can guarantee sexiness is believing you own it. If you can walk into a bar with poofy hair and no makeup but still know you’re the life of the party, damn right that’s sexy.

Maybe my Norris suitor didn’t see my mess, or maybe he didn’t really care. But he sure as hell didn’t find it cute or sexy when I was so flustered.

Enough messy situations have happened between now and then that I’ve been able to laugh off that I think I finally have that glorious confidence back. So thanks, J-Tims, for heralding sexy’s return to me in song. Yeh!

Medill junior Allie Markowitz is a PLAY sex columnist. She can be reached at [email protected]