It isn’t that I expected us to get engaged right away, but still, I wish that they had been more honest. Now I feel really disregarded.” The quote isn’t from anyone in particular, but representative of a startling phenomenon: people feeling used after a night of meaningless sex.
I can appreciate being misled, but what I find really frustrating about these stories of one-night-stands-cum-nothing-at-all is how easily people exclude themselves from taking responsibilty for being hurt by having sex with someone who didn’t want anything beyond the encounter.
Before seeming heartlessly critical, I can’t stress enough that what I’m talking about is completely consensual sex on behalf of all parties. I’d also like to say that I’m talking about this trend with regard to all sexually active people, regardless of gender or sexuality.
So you had a one-night stand and expected more from the person in the way of personal attachment. My question is, why? Sex (cultural and romantic associations aside) is just an activity you do with someone else. Not to say that caring about the person won’t translate into a generally more comfortable experience, but sex as an act in and of itself does not forge any emotional proximity to a person.
Sex, especially sex that probably didn’t have too much of an emotional prelude, doesn’t imply anything after the fact. Operating on the assumption that because you ‘gave yourself’ to someone, that person will come to appreciate you more as a human being and desire to be with you in any other context, is false. If you don’t want to have sex for the sake of it, then don’t have sex.
This may even mean deciding not to have sex with someone after they’ve tried to reassure you it will lead to more; sometimes people lie. And as far as being used goes, I’d hope that all partners experienced mutual pleasure, making one person no more used than the other(s).
Being upset about a one-night stand that doesn’t become something else is, in my view, like having a chocolate binge that results in anger toward the candy. You eat a disgusting amount of chocolate, enjoying every bit of it, but afterward you’re going to inevitably feel like garbage. More logical than getting mad at the chocolate for tempting you into something you didn’t want to do, you’re probably just angry at yourself for the way you feel. So, likewise, a one-night stand was something you made a conscious decision to participate in, leaving no one partner to blame moreso than the other(s).
If you’re feeling particularly frisky but wanting to avoid the emotional baggage, masturbate. Sex is fun, but personal enjoyment and not worrying about appeasing someone else is essential to enjoyment without regrets.
Weinberg junior Daniel Crowder is a PLAY sex columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].