Schumacher defeats ‘No Confidence’

Mathias J. Muschal

At least I’m assuming he did, which is why I conducted the following interview. Of course, if there’s a runoff, or even worse, if he lost, then the very concept of this interview is pretty funny. And kinda sad. But mostly funny.

MM: On April Fool’s, did any of your friends try to trick you into thinking that a last-minute candidate was added to the ballot and you’d have to get off your ass and actually campaign?

JS: I was waiting for it, but it didn’t actually happen.

MM: Think if your friends had tricked you, you’d have been like, “Shit! Shit! We gotta get to Kinko’s!”

JS: I probably wouldn’t have freaked out too much. Actually, I was hoping for a contender, as much as you can hope for a contender.

MM: Last week in The Daily, you said you were worried people would think you’re a tool because you like the Backstreet Boys. Why else should people think you’re a tool?

JS: [Laughs] Probably because I’m a real big dork and I try to get involved in a lot of activities. I think you’re only a tool if you don’t actually have any of your own opinions and ideas, and hopefully I’ll show people that I do.

MM: Now that you’re in power, which campus group is really gonna feel some hurtin?

JS: [Laughs] Do you really expect me to answer that on record?

MM: You don’t have to, because I can tell you’re thinking what I’m thinking: Graffiti Dancers.

JS: Was I thinking that? I don’t think there’s a group I have it out for.

MM: Exactly, Graffiti Dancers. I went to my first Graffiti show a couple weekends ago and on the whole I had a very pleasant experience. But you know what I noticed? Not one male dancer in the group. Now I know for a fact that breaks more than a couple student group laws.

JS: Actually they’re breaking zero laws. They’re allowed to have a group of all girls should they choose. Anyways I think that’s part of the point, too.

MM: Double standard is all I’m saying. Campus security is a big concern for many students. Why are students such giant pussies?

JS: [Laughs] I don’t think they necessarily are [clears throat] pussies.

MM: Well, if they weren’t humongous pussies there’d be a lot less whining to administration and a lot more TCB. Lastly, who’s worse: Patrick Keenan-Devlin the politician, or Patrick Keenan-Devlin the person?

JS: The politician and the person are very similar, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. He’s a good guy.

MM: But if you had to pick one-

JS: In light of him letting out the Backstreet Boys secret, I guess I’ll go with the person.

There you have it, folks: your new ASG president. As a graduating senior, I won’t feel the effects of Schumacher’s presidency, which puts him at the same level of influence as the four presidents before him. But Jay seems like a bright young man, and I think he’ll do quite well. At the very least he’ll be better than Patrick, who (as Jay said) is an awful, awful person.

Mathias J. Muschal is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at [email protected]