By my estimation, Northwestern students are smart. But throw a bag of microwave popcorn at us and suddenly we’re about as intelligent as Jessica Simpson at a fish market.
It would not be an exaggeration to say that microwave-induced fire alarms are an epidemic and have many far-reaching consequences. Residence halls are forced to pay thousands in fees to the Evanston Fire Department for false fire alarms. I’m also pretty sure the members of the department have developed the ability to identify the location and brand of the burning popcorn from the lobby of a building (“We got Act III Movie-Theater Butter on Floor 3!”)
What can be done to rectify this problem? One idea that is often floated around at Plex’s weekly 2:30 a.m. front-lawn social gathering is to get the C-Stores to stop selling microwave popcorn. But given the NU student’s ability to cause far-reaching harm with Pop Secret, removing all the potentially hazardous items from the C-Store would leave just bottled water and Bounce sheets.
Enter the Essential NU program.
According to the New Student Week Web site, “Essential NU is a series of thoughtfully designed issue-oriented workshops that explore the multiple facets of life as a Northwestern student.” Bingo. Improper microwave usage is certainly an “issue,” and given the average college student’s diet, the microwave is definitely a “facet of life” here. Thus, I propose making a workshop on proper microwave usage an Essential NU requirement.
Give it a catchy name, something like “Watt’s Happening?” or “Borrow your Roommate’s CD, not his/her Unsafe Cooking Habits.” Invite a random, D-list celebrity to host it (is the guy who played “Screech” available?). Explain how “five minutes doesn’t really mean five minutes” and how not to succumb to the sweet song of the pre-timed microwave popcorn button.
As it stands, the Essential NU programs work under the embarrassingly flawed assumption that incoming NU students can operate basic appliances. Yes, they offer crucial information on subjects such as campus safety and the dangers of alcohol. But let’s face it, if you have alcohol-induced unprotected sex, you won’t set off the fire alarm and force hundreds of students outside in their pajamas (Although I might have inadvertently stumbled upon a new scare tactic for the abstinence-only education crowd).
It might even be necessary to go one step further. Taking a page from one of those “we’re running out of ideas” contests on the “Real World/Road Rules Challenge,” make an applicant’s admission to NU contingent upon his or her ability to assemble a code from letters only visible on properly popped popcorn kernels.
I hope the higher-ups at NU take my ideas into consideration in order to fix this universal problem. And be sure to stay tuned to my column next week, “Batter Up! A Lesson on Waffle-Makers.”
Mike Platt is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at [email protected].
