Bar review: Hi-Tops, low brow

I heard sailors eat their food at night so they can’t see the maggots. I also heard Hi-Tops keeps the bar dark so you can’t see the lip herpes. At any rate, alcohol kills germs.

The self-proclaimed loosest bar in Wrigleyville, Hi-Tops aims to be a "sports bar" but I am fairly sure the clientele head there after pudding wrestling, not the game. Allegedly there are 65 "televisions" playing "sports," but no one really knows. Like that time at Mardi Gras when…

If you don’t remember, it didn’t happen. Thanks Hi-Tops for helping us party movers-and-shakers forget plenty, like bar-top thong contests, Cuervo shots, sucking face with a pole, women’s liberation and our dignity. I suggest the closing-your-eyes method when you wake up in Random Person’s apartment, ’cause you’ll probably want to forget that too.

Weekends bring a five-buck cover. I dropped seven on a Long Island that didn’t even make the glorified Coca-Cola cut. My flirting wiles were entirely lost on the female bar staff. Don’t even try that sexy banter on the opposite sex here ’cause pumpin’ pop tunes conquer all. (Oh, you romantic, thinking she’s sober enough to form words!) "Grab and Grind" is Hi-Top’s style of pick-up.

If you miss the days of living in Bobb, bunny-hopping to frat parties, and shame walking home the next morning, then, sure, check out Hi-Tops. Although now we’re legal (kind of), it’s nice to know we can still be sketchy.

Hi-Tops is located at 3551 N. Sheffield Ave., and is open Sundays from 11 a.m. to 2 a.m., Mondays through Fridays from 5 p.m. to 2 a.m., and Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 3 a.m.

–Brooks Teevan