Kissing disease (Daniel Crowder sex column)

It’s Saturday night and you’re choosing your outfit. After a quick nervous breakdown and some liquor, you settle on something. Everything goes perfectly and you look fantastic. Once you’re dressed, you feel hot — literally. You feel hot because you have a fever and for the last three days your (enter body part(s) here) has been running a little too much. You decide to go out anyway and see what comes of the night. You hope to hook-up and resolve to be up front about your bronchitis, after some drinks of course. Maybe it’s the winter or maybe because of Rush, but everyone seems a little under the weather. Aside from standard safe sex practices to prevent STDs, what do you do in a situation that finds you sick and horny? Is sex with the sick more of a fetish or a folly? I suppose the best way to make this decision is to have hypothetical instances. Here we go.

Possibility 1: You’re sick but you decide to down Dayquil and go out. At first you just sit back and observe. You reach for a cigarette and just as you’ve lit your 555, someone asks to bum a smoke. Lucky for you, that someone is hot. The eye candy offers you a drink, and not wanting to be insulting you accept –three times. You get up and dance but the party is emptying out and you decide to have your own little party chez toi. Fast forward to the next day and you’re completely thrilled with yourself for going out and hooking up even when you weren’t feeling 100%. Kudos! Let’s just hope you remembered to mention your illness to whatever-her/his-name-is. If not, I bet you have a mean Facebook message headed your way.

Possibility 2: You’re sick. It’s the beginning of the quarter and you figure you can forego this party to study — that econ midterm is coming up pretty quickly. You get a call from your tipsy friend who tells you that s/he thinks s/he’s going to hook up; you laugh excitedly, trying your best to hide the jealousy you feel. After a page and a half of econ reading, you call it a night. Flash forward to the next day and you feel much better. Nice work ethic, but unfortunately you’re a sad breed: the sexually active person who didn’t spend Saturday night getting action.

Possibility 3: You’re healthy and on top of your work. It’s a perfect night to go out, so you insulate yourself with the North Face and head to a party. The night moves slowly at first, then you notice someone and offer him/her a few drinks. In between a wet kiss and oral sex, your hook-up partner slurs into your ear, “You’re hot. I have the flu, can we still make out?” You acquiesce; the hookup is totally hot. Fast forward and now the only thing receiving your body fluid is a tissue or a toilet (at best). Maybe next time you want to reach out and touch someone, you’ll do it to yourself.

So hooking up with a sick person or while sick is like a regular hookup with even more residual drama. Either you pissed someone off by getting them sick or now you’re sick, or you stayed home and studied to avoid sickness. Is the opportunity cost of “gettin’ some” worth that common cold, flu or inner ear infection? Okay, just stock up on the vitamins.

Weinberg sophomore Daniel Crowder is the PLAY sex columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].