We play music as well as Metallica writes music,” bragged Miami Herald columnist turned wannabe rocker Dave Barry about his band of authors, the Rock Bottom Remainders.

And if you’ve ever heard the Remainders, it’s probably safe to say its members also play as well as Metallica, except they have an excuse for lacking talent, considering the band is composed completely of contemporary best-selling writers, including scary-tale guru Stephen King, “Simpsons” mastermind Matt Groening, “Joy Luck Club” creator Amy Tan, thriller favorite Scott Turow, Mitch “Tuesdays With Morrie” Albom and Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist Barry, who claims the band only knows how to play “A” and “E” chords on their guitars.

The band will take its show tonight to the Chicago House of Blues, 329 N. Dearborn St., as part of its “WannaPalooza Tour 2004,” which will hit four cities in the Midwest: St. Louis, Chicago, Cleveland and Detroit.

Each year for the past 12, the Remainders members have gotten together for a week of touring in order to raise money for charity. This year the concert will benefit America Scores, a foundation devoted to bringing poetry and soccer to underprivileged children. “(The foundation combines) poetry for the sake of individual expression and soccer for the sake of team-building,” said Tan, who is one of the band’s “Remainderettes.” To date, the Remainders has rasied more than $500,000 for America Scores.

The band was formed at the 1992 American Booksellers Association convention in Miami after many authors told Kathi Kamen Goldmark, an author and true musician, they were jealous that she was in a band. Goldmark then had “the crazy idea” to start a rag-tag band of authors-turned-musicians, and thus was born the Remainders.

So why pay money to see a plethora of authors pretend they can play their respective instruments?

“(We play) the songs people made out to in the back seat of the Chevy years and years ago,” Tan said. “They really make them feel like 20 again … For those younger (listeners) we tell them that these are the songs they were probably conceived to. It’s very important that they get the full effect and inspiration that led to their creation.”

Tan said another benefit of going to a Rock Bottom Remainders show is that the audience will get to see famous actual musicians and “wannabe writers” such as Bruce Springsteen, who was once quoted saying the Remainders “weren’t too bad.” The Remainders have also been joined by the likes of Steve Martin and Robin Williams (who were the band’s opening acts during previous tours), Joan Collins and this year’s special guest, Roger McGuinn, co-founder of the ’60s pioneer folk-rock band, the Byrds.

“It’s just fun and it’s something that I’ve been doing for the past four years,” McGuinn said.

While McGuinn has been billed as more or less the Remainders’ musical guiding light, he admitted the members of the band “underplay how good they really are” so they won’t run the risk of being mistaken for an actual band. Barry even went so far as to say that playing with the Remainders might hurt McGuinn’s career, but McGuinn isn’t sure if this is entirely true.

“I think (Barry) was being sarcastic when he said that, but I don’t really know if it’s true or not,” McGuinn said. “Maybe it takes time. The bottom line is, though, it’s not really hurting anybody.”

Tan herself praised McGuinn as someone who brings “class and musical talent” to the group while also being a “consummate gentleman.”

“(Roger) is absolutely great. He can do his songs and then go play back-up for the band,” she said. “Actually, a lot of the time he’s playing back-up. Most of our special guest artists don’t like to stick around on stage backing us up.”

Even though the Remainders boasts some actual musicians and semi-talented fake musicians — such as Barry, according to Tan — a good part of the band’s allure comes from the fact that some of the writers really don’t have any business being on stage.

“I’m definitely the least talented of the singers,” Tan said. “I’m just the most ill-equipped person to be on stage; I played classical piano as a girl and now I’m singing rock songs. But I’m also the most willing to make a fool out of myself on stage, so if you make a mistake, everyone just bursts into gaits of laughter.”

So with this almost certain possibility of embarrassment, why do these writers keep returning to the stage?

“I think part of the reason is brain damage,” Tan said. “We do these bus tours so that we feel like real rock stars. But when you think of real rock stars, you think of groupies and everyone doing drugs. We do Pepcid AC.”

So if seeing your favorite authors attempt to play “Gloria” while being backed by someone with real talent isn’t quite enough to convince you to make it to the show, Tan’s performance, dubbed by McGuinn as “the most ridiculous part of the show,” should be the proverbial icing on the cake.

“That’s the part of the show where I come out in my dominatrix leather with my whips and sing my songs,” Tan said.4

Medill freshman Steve Aquino is a PLAY writer. He can be reached at [email protected].