I know what you’re thinking: “God damn. The columnists this quarter are worse than ever. Where do they find these awful people? Plex?

I’d rather reread last week’s Red Eye than look at this garbage. Hell, I could write a better column than this. It can’t be that hard.” And you know what, superfans? You’re right! Yes, the life of a Daily columnist is pretty friggin’ sweet. The fame, the glory, the chicks … And all you have to do is crank out 500 words of worthless dreck every week. It’s just that easy!

And yet, only 15 people are offered this chance of a lifetime each year. Until now! Yes, today I blow the lid off this whole elitist operation and put the power back in the hands of you, the reader. Today, I give you the opportunity to write your very own Daily column! Just think of a word or phrase to match each of the following categories, then fill in the blanks in the paragraph below.

It’s Daily column MadLibs!

1) Name of wealthy suburb

2) Soulless, yet lucrative profession

3) Comparative adjective

4) Name of another university

5) Emotion

6) Name of an ineffectual, mid-level NU bureaucrat (Take your pick!)

7) Name of any store on Belmont

8) Some minor political cause

9) Abstract sentimental bullshit

10) Really stupid idea

Man, growing up in __(1)__ sure is tough. The fugly strip malls, the unjust scorning of indie rock, the pressure from my parents to become a successful __(2)__. Not to mention the way the other kids in high school treated me just because I was __(3)__ than them.

Boy, was I glad when I finally got my acceptance letter to NU, even though I was turned down by __(4)__, my first-choice school. I was just giddy with excitement about the new, hip, intellectual, socially conscious yet disaffected person I would become at Northwestern. But oh no! When I finally got to Evanston, I discovered that NU wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

First, I was really __(5)__ when I heard they wanted to hire more UP officers to break up all the awesome parties. I even wrote a letter to __(6)__. I also couldn’t believe how many students never take advantage of Chicago! I guess those poor souls will never discover the city’s true “hidden treasures,” like __(7)__. What grates my cheese most about NU, though, is student apathy.

I couldn’t believe it when nobody showed up to my rally at the Rock for __(8)__. When will students learn that life’s about more than just studying and landing a job? It’s about __(9)__! But I think I know the solution to making kids at NU care more about society, and to building a stronger Northwestern community. All it takes is __(10)__.

That and taking those gosh-darn iPod headphones out of your ears on your walk to class!

Jim Wagner is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at [email protected].