The Firing Squad (October 24, 2003)

JUST CALL HER TAMARA DICE CLAY THE FIRING SQUAD IS THE FIRST TO ADMIT it’s easily offended all the time, but Associated Student Government Student Services Vice President Tamara Kagel’s stand-up comedy at Sunday’s Royalty Pageant was downright insulting. And it didn’t really qualify as “comedy.”

The Firing Squad felt destitute because it has never been to Pete Miller’s, even though, according to Kagel, it’s the only place you go when your parents are in town. The laughs did not continue — because they noticeably hadn’t started — when Kagel said her parents, apparently while subtly inquiring about her sex life, asked her boyfriend if he or his friends “date rape a lot.” Oops, did The Firing Squad say “boyfriend”? It meant the guy she’s dating — Kagel said they aren’t hip to labels.

The Firing Squad can’t remember the last time it heard a good anorexia nervosa joke — maybe that’s because there are none. That didn’t stop Kagel from giving it her best shot, though, as she espoused her belief that anorexia would be much more acceptable if people were more open about it. The awkward silence had nothing to do with the tough crowd, but everything to do with the painfully inappropriate subject matter.

The Firing Squad would rather vote no confidence than support anyone who is so unfunny — and just plain tasteless.

— MEGAN HERROLD

A ‘FINE’ WAY TO GET TO CLASS THE WARMEST OF THANKS GOES OUT TO the city of Evanston for their especially demeaning police force who slapped a $15 fine on the weary Firing Squad as it rode its bike to class last week.

The no-bike-riding-on-the-sidewalk ordinance is logical in theory — there’s no need to scare the elderly. But the policy of selective enforcement — stopping bikers already late for class, while others whiz by throughout the slow ticket-writing process — makes The Firing Squad think the fine is just a poor excuse to line the city’s pockets.

Nothing puts a stick in your spokes like cops cracking down on cyclists.

— JANETTE NEUWAHL

LIST SERVES UP OFF-CAMPUS IRRITATION APPARENTLY, MOVING OFF CAMPUS NO longer protects The Firing Squad from a torrent of listserv messages. Unbeknownst to it The Firing Squad discovered on Wednesday it was subscribed to the off-campus listserv.

Unless The Firing Squad was drunk, drugged or both, it does not remember signing up for this “service.” And it is appalled because NU’s Information Technology Web page on listserv policy explicitly states: “List members should not be pre-subscribed to a list without their knowledge or permission.”

As The Firing Squad rarely retreats to its computer during parties to check out advertisements for campus events, it would like to assume it was sober. The Firing Squad further would like to ask the Office of Student Affairs to please respect university-wide policy — and allow it to ignore pleas for attendance at stupid events, such as “The Real” Homecoming.

— TOREA FREY

HE WANTS TO PARTY LIKE IT’S 1968 THE FIRING SQUAD IS ALL ABOUT KICKING issues when they’re down, but ASG senators took this trend to an all-time low when they passed a bill to create a committee to investigate the cancellation of the the Frances Willard Party.

If the 35-year-old event was anything other than an opportunity for underclassmen to get drunk each year, maybe this dead issue could rest in peace, just like our Prohibitionist birthday girl. The fact is, no amount of legislation through the vestigial ASG will ever make Willard’s firetrap party den any safer.

Grow up, deal with it — and find somewhere else to get blitzed.

— MIKE SACCONE