Rather than writing a typical, silly, Andy Rooney-esque column complaining about some trivial aspect of life (“What’s the deal with junior high!?”), I thought I’d do something different this week. Following in the footsteps of Nietzsche, Marx (Groucho, not that opiate guy) and the Allens (Woody and Steve), I would like to submit the following aphorisms, jokes, pleas and observations to you, my readers:

? Some of the least interesting people I know still have no idea what they’re going to do with their lives. The most interesting people know exactly what they’re going to do: nothing.

? Is it more immoral to do something even though you know it’s wrong, or to commit that same act unaware of its wrongness? Probably the latter, because what kind of person seriously thinks it’s OK to give wedgies to the elderly?

? Saddam: I’m not in love with you, but I won’t hold that against you.

? The Northwestern Chronicle: I don’t know whether to laugh or vomit.

? The day Associated Student Government means anything to me is the day ASG stands for All Sex is Good. Or Ass Student Government.

? Why do cool people wear such tight T-shirts? Does it cut off the circulation to their brains? This explains a great deal.

? George W. Bush is not an idiot. He just plays one on TV.

? I think I saw someone wearing an NU Objectivist T-shirt the other day, but it’s possible that it was a dream. Or a nightmare.

? Every time I can’t think of a topic for a column, a friend will tell me, “Make that the topic of your column.” I need new friends. And a new self.

? Ted Nugent: I don’t know, but maybe it’s time to rethink the significance of “Damn Yankees” to Western culture.

? If asked what I think about A&O Productions, I’d say last year they were bad, but now they are OK. But why can’t they get someone good, like Radiohead or Phish?

? A friend told me a story about walking past a protest. Instead of hearing the protestors shout, “No war in Iraq!” she heard, “No more indie rock!” She packed her Dickies bag, grabbed the most obscure Sonic Youth compact disc she could find and got the hell out of there with fear for her life.

? Don’t you hate it when you find out an annoying or terrible person agrees with your view or likes something you like? Please don’t say yes.

? Someone once said, “Whoever despises himself still respects himself as one who despises.” I would respond, “Yes, but whoever despises himself still despises himself as someone who respects himself as someone despising … or, something. Shut up.”

? Can you believe I take courses where the professors use words like “hermeneutic,” “interpellation” and “historico-discoursive”? I can — and I love it!

? Just for the record, I think girls are great. Their vaginas, too.

? My professors have taught me a great deal about the arts. For example, Kafka is considered to be one of the most difficult and enigmatic writers. He once said, “In German the word ‘sein’ stands both for the verb ‘to be’ and for the possessive pronoun ‘his.'”

? In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast.

Paul Flaig is a Weinberg senior. He can be reached at [email protected].