Some brief advice
After last week’s controversy, I decided this week to stick to a safer topic, one which I feel is fairly universal — that is, the subject of undergarments.
It is fair to say that at one time or another most of us have worn them, even if we are not at present.
Now, if we’re going to talk about underwear, we are going to have to talk about thongs. It is no coincidence that the word “thong” rhymes with the word “wrong.” Call me old-fashioned, call me unhip (I’ve been called worse things, especially, um, last week) but I have never understood the appeal of them. (This might have something to do with the fact that I attended a Sisco concert with my younger sister and saw eight-year-olds breaking out their thongs).
I understand that part of purpose of the thong is to avoid the dreaded panty lines. But really, why are panty lines so damn awful? Are we trying to trick people into thinking that we are not wearing anything down there? Is it one of those cock-tease things?
But then I keep thinking about the inevitable disappointment that must occur when, in the heat of the moment, zippers come undone, jeans come flying off, and briefly you see a flash of green or paisley where you once expected to see nothing at all.
And besides, do you know what it feels like to have something riding up your ass all day? (OK, this is Northwestern, so probably a lot of you do.)
I have another question: panties? Who came up with that wretched word? I had a discussion with my friends and we decided that the word should be banished from all people’s vocabularies. Starting now. Starting yesterday.
Other issues: Underwear as gifts. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. If we really wanted a black satin g-string, we would probably already own it. It’s fine if you think sexy lingerie is as vital to the wardrobe as say, tube socks or blue jeans, but don’t pretend like you’re giving it to us solely for our benefit.
Which brings to mind another issue. I was in White Hen the other night and I saw they were selling silk panty roses for $5.99. For those of you unfamiliar with silk panty roses, they are panties molded into the shape of a rose and placed onto the end of green stick. This is another horrible idea. I hope, against hope, that no one buys this for their significant other. Like: “Look, honey, instead of getting you both flowers and lingerie for Valentine’s Day, I decided to combine the two.” Greeeat.
And you boys. How difficult it must be for you as well. First there were briefs, then there were boxers, and now, there are boxer briefs. How very confusing. In an attempt to illuminate the situation, I consulted some experts on the subject (note: by experts I mean friends).
The findings:
“Tattered old boxers are a big no-no. Girls always think twice about the underwear they’re wearing when they’re hooking up with a guy, so I think guys should give us the same courtesy.”
“Silk boxers are preferable. It says, ‘I like quality and I care for details with everything all the way down to my undergarments.'”
“I most definitely prefer boxer briefs — the whole combo thing is much sexier. Briefs are too small and plain boxers are kinda boring.”
“I prefer none. If they do choose to wear it, I don’t really care what they look like because I’m assuming that if I’m seeing them in their underwear, they will soon be naked anyway . . .”
Hmmm, good point . . .
