Congratulations, dumb shits! We all go to Northwestern! Whoopie! This means that we’re totally smart and stuff. Isn’t that awesome?
Northwestern students are the sprinkles on the spongy cake of society. We were all intelligent enough to get accepted.
Some of us were lucky enough to have our mommies and daddies blow a shitload of money on us, and the rest of us showed enough future potential to obtain the money through alternative means. Either way, we rule all, and we should be proud.
And what do we get in return? We get to roll out of bed to go hear some old guy with a Ph.D, who doesn’t bathe enough, mumble about supply-side economics for 50 minutes. Bullshit! We worked hard to get here, and we deserve better!
Why go to college in the first place? Sure, you’ll learn a whole bunch, and that’s neat and stuff. But the true reason we are here is because the real world sucks. Higher education is a means for lucky people to put off facing reality. Instead of going straight to work after high school, we get four years to self-actualize. As long as we behave, we get a magical piece of paper that makes us more important that everyone else. That’s a pretty sweet deal.
To hell with studying! We should be chasing squirrels and having casual sex on the Lakefill. Instead, we spend our days in classrooms, and our nights holed up in dorm rooms.
News flash, assholes! Your grades don’t matter. As long as you pass, you’re set.
Maybe you wont get that hot job with that consulting firm that launders money and participates in human trafficking, but who cares? As long as we lie and kiss up to the right people, our lot in life is virtually guaranteed.
So why are we working so hard? No reason. Yes, some people worry about their grades because of graduate school, law school or medical school, but they are all members of an evil robot army, and are not to be trusted. They have no souls.
I’m not suggesting a total boycott of classroom learning, just a severe reduction. It will serve you better in the long run. What’s the real learning experience: staying up all night with a biography of John Quincy Adams and searching for that perfect quote, or getting wasted and puking all over Burger King?
Fine. Don’t listen to me. See if I care. Work your butt off, and land that great job at Goldman and Sachs where you get to play with other people’s money all day long. Ten years from now, when you come home to your trophy spouse that you hate and who cheats on you and who you’re too exhausted to have sex with anyway, and your two spoiled, ugly children, I won’t feel sorry for you.
Maybe I’m being unrealistic, but if you want reality you should drop out of school and spend some of that $120,000 on a plane ticket, and go live in South Africa, where 20 percent of the population has AIDS. Or maybe Afghanistan, where you can get bombed to little tiny bits, you self-centered dungpile.
Now shut up and go chug a 40.
Mike Sherman is a Communication senior. He can be reached at [email protected].
