(Shot 1.) Wowee zowee! School’s back! So many magical things happen at the beginning of the school year: Back-to-school sales! $300 textbooks! Sleeping 90 minutes a night! Alcohol poisoning! In the spirit of the season, I’ve decided to write a drunken column. Every paragraph will start with an indentation and shot of gin.

(Shot 2.) It tastes gross. Need to drink more!) Much to my dismay, Northwestern doesn’t have a serious drinking problem. According to the Peer Health Educator I spoke to, alcohol hardly is a problem at NU compared to other schools. Students here are more responsible and thoughtful when it comes to getting messed up. Meanwhile, my brother just told me that someone did cocaine off of his H?sker D? CD. Obviously, my brother does not attend NU. If that had happened here, it would have been a Dave Matthews CD.

(Shot 3. Now we’re getting there!) Barring the occasional athlete falling out of the window of a frat house, major alcohol-related incidents just don’t happen much. Some people credit our health education programs. Before this year, every incoming student had to attend a little class called Responsibilities 101. This was a 90-minute