I remember when America Online first showed up on our street, back when I was 12. One of my neighbors had it, and it quickly became “the coolest thing ever,” superceding previously ranked “coolest things ever,” such as the printing press and God.

But we were pre-teens then. And here we are now, in college. Still IM-ing people.

And I can’t take it anymore. The subtext-laden away messages (“Sigh … this was once a really good day …”), the quotes on your profile from Kermit the Frog and Gandhi, the obnoxious purple-on-blue font that makes what you’re typing almost impossible to read.

Enough.

Joseph Law of the Yale Herald found Internet use to be a subject worth investigating back in 1999.

Yale students, like us, complained of a dearth of relationships at their school. No one’s meeting anyone, and no one’s having a good dating experience. And then there’s this quote from an anonymous Yale student: “My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my computer. I think I’m going to miss her.”

No problem. The Internet is the hippest new place to meet your better half. I did some research, and there are plenty of places where college students can go for love, American (Online) style.

Like the group “boyfriend/girlfriend hookup,” which is part of the AOL Groups for College Students section. In this chat group, men and women can meet and “hook up together.” If that’s not your cup of Java script, then there’s “Wild Times and Partys (sic).” This group’s more than exciting, because here, “anything goes.”

Personally, I was most intrigued by the group “bbbbbbb,” whose description was “bbbbbbbbb.”

So, there are some idiots out there with lame chat groups in search of cybersex. Big deal.

Well, my friends, you have yet to see the dark side. Take, for example, AOL Groups for Seniors. There’s: “Long Island Seniors Need Sex Also.” This group is for senior men and women “who would like to have sex more often without the hassle of finding someone compatible.”

My eyes. My God, my eyes.

Now it’s even easier to send IMs from anywhere you are standing, if you have a cell phone. If you’ve never experienced this joy, here’s a formula you can use to calculate the length of the average cell phone IM conversation. Time of cell phone IM conversation is greater than or equal to time of normal human being conversation times three thousand (3,000). If someone from a cell phone IMs you, respond, take a shower, eat dinner, watch “Seinfeld,” then go back to your computer. By then you should have heard back.

The real question here is, of course, if you’re going to waste cell phone minutes IM-ing somebody, why not just call?

Obviously there are no quick and easy solutions. People like this need to look into the Internet Anonymous Web site. It’s for people who are addicted to the Internet. Yes, this exists.

Look, the Internet is good for the same three things it’s always been: porn, MP3s and playing Family Feud. Not IMs. Not AOL chat rooms. Not fake conversations.

Come on, this is college. Don’t waste your time sending IMs. Do something that you won’t have the freedom to do once you’re …

Man. Who am I kidding? I’ll talk to you all online tonight.