Greetings, culture lovers.

The Oscars are over, finals loom, BuzzFeed quizzes have been a little subpar lately — in other words, you’re bored. You’re desperately seeking new stimulation when, lo and behold, the Steam Press presents you with the opportunity to choose your own adventure: How long would you last in a romance novel?

1. Walking alone through the forest, a tall, dark and handsome stranger suddenly crosses your path. You …
   a) Run awaaaaaaaaay! (Skip to 3)
   b) Stand your ground and say something feisty. (Continue to 2)
2. At a masquerade ball, you spy the object of your affections dancing with someone else. You …
   a) Faint from the shock before awakening to plot sweet revenge. (Skip to 4)
   b) Wait until you two have a moment alone to calmly discuss matters. (Skip to 5)
3. Your self-preservation is admirable, but how do you expect to meet anyone? You reach old age to die safe but alone.
4. The master of the house warns you never to go up into the attic. You …
   a) Explore it anyway. (Skip to 7)
   b) Listen and do as you’re told. (Skip to 6)
5. You think things out clearly and rationally — what are you doing in a romance novel? Get out. Now.
6. You never discover the master’s terrible secret, thus he can never fall in love with your willful yet innocent nature. You die alone.
7. Your One True Love informs you of a horrible secret — maybe he’s a vampire, maybe he had to kill the man who dishonored his sister, maybe he owns the megacorporation trying to buy your horse ranch. You …
   a) Consider all your options and take time to yourself to think about what you really want. (Continue to 8)
   b) Declare that you can never be together, move halfway across the country and attempt to move on with your life through the tears and searing heartbreak. (Skip to 9)
8. Congratulations! You’re the sensible, boring friend in the romance novel who will invariably star in their own spin-off where they seem to lose the common sense that made them valuable to begin with. Your life can only get better from here, gentle reader.
9. Congratulations! You survived the plot of a romance novel! You are now free to live happily ever after with the love of your life, at least until the next minor disagreement turns into a major crisis.

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Twitter: @badbroderick