As the holidays approach, Northwestern students are busy avoiding finals by demanding expensive items from their parents. As part of his effort to reach out to the student body, University President Morton Schapiro has also probably spent the last few weeks compiling his holiday gift list.

Since Morty refuses to answer any of my zero emails asking him what’s on his gift list, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to guess:

1. A season of “The West Wing” on DVD. We all know that Morty’s a popular president; according to the Huffington Post, he’s one of the most popular college presidents in the nation. But if there’s one president more popular that Schapiro, it’s Jed Bartlet. Morty would definitely want a season or two to study how he can overtake Jed and become the most popular president in the land.
2. A bowl win. It’s been 64 years, can we just get one?! I know we’re facing a SEC team and that we’re underdogs. Blah blah blah. If we could just win one bowl game, we’d no longer be, “The School That Has Never Made The NCAA Tournament Or Won A Bowl Game In The Last Six Decades.” We could just be, “The School That’s Name Is Highly Deceptive Geographically.” So, let’s just get one, guys?
3. A Nobel Prize. Say you’re an accomplished economist, a university president and an all-around baller. What’s the one thing you’re missing? That young Nobel Prize. It’s got to be painful to see NU faculty bring home the Nobel Prize in economics, all the while knowing that you are the most qualified individual on the planet for the award. All that pain could end with a simple Swedish medal and hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash.
4. A nice BLT. To be honest, this should be on everyone’s gift list. So it’s presumably on Morty’s as well. BLTs are great.
5. A commencement speaker designation. NU has had some great commencement speakers over the last few years, and I’m sure they have another rockstar lined up. But why bother begging authors from across the nation to come impart some wisdom, when the obvious choice is right in front of us? And honestly, I’m not sure how many more hints he can drop. The man already takes the stage at every graduation! So just cut out the middle man, and give Morty his wish.