Love stinks.

That’s not just the mantra of the bitterly single or the chorus of a “Wedding Singer” tune. Now it’s iron-clad fact: Sniffing certain hormones stimulates sexual attraction. There ain’t nothin’ like “eau naturale,” experts say. So with Mardi Gras and Valentine’s Day just around the corner, we’ve got no time to lose. It’s reek or rot in this sexual jungle.

Though it sounds like Pigpen’s dream come true, myriad studies support the power of pheromones. Pronounced “FAIR-uh-moans” and derived from a Greek term meaning “to transfer excitement,” all animals secrete these small, odorless molecules. The vomeronasal organ, a centimeter-long organ located in the human nose, recognizes pheromones and transmits information to the brain’s hypothalamus. So nice try, M. Night Shyamalan, and kudos to the cute kid. But pheromone detection is humans’ true sixth sense.

Martha McClintock, a biopsychologist at the University of Chicago, made waves 30 years ago when she proved that pheromones regulate women’s menstrual cycles. Earlier this month, McClintock rattled the scientific community once again with a study of stinky T-shirts.

While pigs’ pheromones are found in their slobber, humans’ armpit juices convey their bewitching love scent. So the researchers asked male subjects to sleep for two nights in rank T-shirts, then bring them to the lab for women to whiff. The U. of C. team found that women preferred the smells of men whose gene selection matched their father’s.

This wouldn’t seem to bode well for star-crossed suitors: Either they get a transfusion from their date’s daddy or they’re screwed. Or not screwed, as the case may be.

But other studies have found that women respond to androstenone, the hormone in underarm sweat, regardless of its genetic makeup. An experiment at the University College in London demonstrated that females had increased social exchanges with males after brief exposure to androstenone. Another experiment showed that a statistically significant amount of women preferred sitting in seats that had been sprayed with androstenone.

And perhaps that’s why Roman gladiators would scrape the sweat from their bodies and distill it in perfumes. Or why colonial American men would keep a handkerchief in their armpits, which they would present to their dancing partners after a rousing Virginia Reel. Either our predecessors understood the aphrodisiac effects of fresh sweat or they were some seriously sick puppies.

Contemporary manufacturers have scented the money-making potential in this smelly business. Pheromone body splashes have flooded the market, turning a Clovers hit and a Tate Donovan-Sandra Bullock flop into a tangible entity. Love Potion No. 9 has arrived.

Dr. Richard Berliner hawks pheromonal perfumes that make the wearer more confident and approachable. “None of these are aphrodisiacs,” he has hedged in interviews.

Nonetheless, rivals like Love Scent have developed wild claims and even wilder wares, such as Primal Instinct, the “Rolls Royce of androstenone products,” which sells at $70 per 10 milliliter bottle.

Palatin Technologies is hard at work – so that you can be, too – developing a “sniff and sex” nasal spray. While I can think of no greater turn-off than ramming a tube up my nostril and squirting, company scientists claim that “one sniff will make men good (read: erect) for an hour.” As for women, this product supposedly encourages their active solicitation of sex. How about that: from snorter to slut inside 60 minutes!

Randy shoppers this spring will also get the chance to slip into something more comfortable: sweat-laced underpants. Kanebo, a Japanese apparel and cosmetics firm, has created a fabric that contains millions of tiny capsules filled with androstenone. Friction causes the capsules to break, releasing the naughty knickers’ secret weapon.

Mardi Gras revelers and Valentine lovers would do well to remember the wisdom of the Bloodhound Gang: “You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals. Sweat baby sweat baby.”

Lose that loofah if you’re aiming to snag a sweetheart – or simply to score with the one you’ve

already got.